The Struggle; Me, Hope, Cheese, Whine, and a Pool

Writing Challenge Day 8 – Share something you struggle with.

I struggle with … me.

That sounds stupid. What kind of person struggles with themselves? This kind of person I suppose, because I am struggling with me. That is the way it feels most of the time. This grand battle ensues in my own mind daily; I want to do something vs. I want to do nothing.

I want a pool…

photo-1427097829427-56a905bf7004

Photo by Anna Demianenko at Unsplash

I have hopes, dreams and visions. I want to travel. I want to have an adventurous life. I want to leave a mark on this world. I want to make a diffence. I want a tattoo. I want to parachute out of a plane. I want to live on an exotic beach. I want to feel alive. I want a pool.

In 20 years…

I struggle with how to do/get/pay for those things. I am not even sure how to define what any of that looks like for me anymore. I severely lack motivation to do anything at all. I seldom believe in myself. I am filled with the fear that I’ll wake up 20 years from now, and nothing will look any different than it does right now.  How do I get off the couch?

Does it even matter…

I feel fat and lazy and useless on more days than I care to admit, like nothing I do makes any difference anyways. Few people know that about me, or maybe everyone knows, I don’t know. I’m not even sure why I bother to get out of bed most days. Oh yeah, it’s probably because the Mr Pibb is in the refrigerator and the best TV in the house is in the living room. #Netflix

Hope deferred…

I have had some hopes, dreams and visions for my life for so very long, but they just keep getting deferred; dusty and forgotten. Time and time again my hopes get stuffed away or put on a back burner for something else more important or someone else’s plan taking priority. Oh well, so sorry, maybe next time, next year, next whatever whenever.

Would you like some cheese with that whine…

After typing all of this out, I sound so whiney. I don’t mean to, but this is how I feel and where I struggle; so, brutally honest whining is what you get.

It’s hope, or the lack thereof…

Ultimately I think it’s really hope with which I am struggling. I have lost my hope. I get glimpses occasionally, but the hope is fleeting. It is quite devastating to lose one’s hope, I would not wish it on my worst enemy.

Here is to hoping hope returns one day soon and the struggle ends.

#haveyouseenmyhope  #iffoundpleasereturn

 

 

 

 

 

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