All Gone

All gone.

Those were the words of finality that were expressed today at the loss of my daughter’s new pregnancy.

All gone

This would have been her and her husband’s third child. This would have been Babyman and Dr. Evil’s new sibling. This would have been my sixth grandbaby.

It won’t be though, because … well I don’t know why.

Miscarriage has been one of the things I feared the most when it comes to my girls having children. I have not personally faced the loss of a hoped for pregnancy. I was not sure how or if I’d be able to help or even know what to say. Yet when the time came, we just talked, we cried, and we even laughed, because that is what we do.

The reality is that miscarriage is hard. There aren’t good words for it. Sure we talked about how several decades back you would not have even known you were pregnant yet. We talked about how they could try again as soon as she wanted. The trouble is that in the days leading up to the loss, we had talked about how the boys would handle it and what the sex would be and possible names. We got attached…just that quick.

There are also the feelings. Joy, excitement, wonder, love, and anticipation, now followed by sadness, disappointment, questioning, despair, and helplessness. And those are just my feelings. My daughter’s feelings trump mine completely. She is handling the whole thing amazingly. For her, a little dark humor goes a long way, and today she allowed herself to really feel the feelings, ultimately breaking down and crying it out. After I got the picture, I did the same.

I am truly sorry for anyone who has suffered miscarriage, as well as for the loss of a child at any stage. As mothers these losses feel as if a piece of the soul is ripped away forever.

I’ll tell you a secret; as a believer in a good good Father and Heaven, in addition to being a believer that life begins at conception, I suspect Heaven to be a place in which these children eagerly await the arrival of their parents. (I will not get into a philosophical or religious conversation about who does or does not get to go to heaven. This post is not about that.) I believe God feels every bit of grief a mother (and father and other family members) feels at the loss of a child. He lost one, and knows firsthand how it felt. Honestly he feels it every time someone chooses to not accept his love, but that is also another post altogether.

If you’ve suffered loss, you aren’t alone. There are those who will grieve with you. Today when I told my daughter I broke down and cried, her response was “I am so glad I have you to grieve with me.”.

I  melted.

In that moment I knew I had done the best I could to help her go through this thing, this horrible, horrible thing. I will keep doing the best I can and she (and I, and her husband and the boys) will get through.

 

Advertisements

The Lost Package of Maturity

Have you ever had a package get lost?

I have.

Today. My package was not on my front porch, even though UPS and Amazon said it was. I got frustrated and I felt a little crazy. I looked everywhere they’ve ever left a package. Nothing.

I called 1-800-PICK-UPS. I had to talk to a faux sympathetic automatic operator. I found myself using a tone with “her”. I suddenly thought “calm down, it’s not the end of the world, and you don’t have to be rude when a representative comes on the line.”

I took a deep breath and changed my attitude. The woman I talked to was very helpful. Cath, I believe was her name. Within a relatively short time, about 30 minutes, she’d contacted my local UPS, they contacted me and the driver, and now he was going to call me.

He didn’t.

No, instead he went and got my package from where ever he accidentally delivered it and brought it to me. He’d read the number wrong. He apologized. I got my package.

The whole process too about half an hour. I could have gotten more upset. I could have stomped around, left bad reviews everywhere, and posted all about it on social media.

Instead I acted like a grown up.

I made a choice to handle my business before losing my cool. That’s what maturity does. It’s not because I’m 47 that I can do this. Anyone can exercise self control over their emotions and attitudes. Trust me, I have plenty of emotions right now. I’m peri-menopausal along with some other personal issues that keep me on edge.

I chose to not act impetuous, hostile, or immature. I chose to remain calm, polite, and mature. You can too.

Perhaps you’re asking, “why would anyone get upset over a silly package?”. Well have you been online lately? People everywhere seem to be upset about everything, from the simplest to the greatest of reasons. It’s hard to tell what’s truly important because of all the yelling, complaining, and name-calling. And quite honestly if you spend money on an item, and it doesn’t get delivered, well that’s just wrong.

If you have a bad experience and things simply get handled badly, then by all means leave a bad review… in the proper place.

First though, consider whether or not you handled things badly to start with. Did you handle things at all, or did you jump the gun and rush to the internet to complain about something that was fixable? Too often we react instead of act. Anger and frustration have become our default settings in today’s world; therefore, anytime a thing happens we fly off the handle in a rage, or fall into a pit of despair.

These things ought not be.

So next time someone loses your package, ask yourself ” is getting upset over this worth my sanity, peace, or maturity?”. My guess is that if you’re honest the answer will be “no”.

Grainy

Cornbread.

Cabin walls.

Pretentious personalities.

Sand in my swimsuit.

Low light photography.

My middle aged memories.

Today’s daily prompt.

GRAINY

I’m sorry this sounds like the random answers to some family night board game category, but it’s all I’ve got tonight. I take that back, I’m not really sorry; I like game night!

 

Photo credit: https://stocksnap.io/photo/1PXZR3FSA2

 

Rainbow Platitudes

Not every storm produces a rainbow. Not every rain shower yeilds flowers. 

Sometimes it just rains. 

Storms come. Floods happen. Rain falls. That’s life. 

Too often we settle for platitudes when we should acknowledge and accept that crap happened. We can learn and grow, or we can keep passing off Pinterest quotes and out of context Bible verses as actual help; ultimately going nowhere. 

I get it, really I do, sometimes you just want to hear happy, fluttery fluff. The reality is you need to hear the truth in order to move forward. 

The truth is a rainbow is a natural phenomenon that can be reproduced with a little water, light and the right angle. Flowers grow because of the natural cycle of spring warmth, sunshine and rain. 

God absolutely can and will use his creation to speak to you, but he’ll also tell you to get up, dry, yourself off, and keep going, simply by sending people like me to remind you of the truth…

Sometimes it just rains. 

Jury Duty

Here I am once again, jury duty. This is the 3rd time in 4 years that I’ve been called. In the 20+ years I’ve lived in this county, I’ve been called 4 times total. Other people I know in this same county have never been called even though they may have lived here even longer. Everyone over 18, with a driver’s license, here is registered, and yet I get picked regularly at random.

If I played the lottery and my odds were this good I’d eventually win big! 

Perhaps when this is over I’ll buy a couple of lottery tickets. Who knows? 

Now off to do my civic duty.