I opened my blog today after ignoring it for quite some time. 
As you well know we’ve been in a pandemic situation for the last year. This post was written and awaiting publishing just about the time the world freaked out. I was preparing to look 50 in the face boldly and instead got smacked upside the head with a shelter in place order. As I was considering coming out of hiding from myself and my emotions, I quickly got punted back inside and told to wear a mask and hide. A year that I expected to be a Jubilee year of restoration became a massive year of rest and stay put. Am I upset? Not really. Was it easy? Nope. It is what it is at this point. I can fuss and be unhappy; I can fight a losing battle. OR I can find contentment in myself and peace in my circumstance… until the day the door opens. 

Original post below:

Do you ever feel like you are hiding?

Like, are you keeping some part of yourself quiet for fear of upsetting the status quo?

I feel like I have spent huge amounts of time being the “good girl”, a “nice girl”, a “keep you opinions to yourself and play nice girl”. I am so worried about upsetting some imaginary balance that I have remained overly reserved and well behaved, often to my own detriment.

I am turning 50 this year, and that has me really contemplating my life in every aspect.

I think I am done being quiet, being concerned you might get upset about something I write or say. I am tired. No, I am exhausted with keeping everyone else safe from the truth or at the very least from my feelings and opinions. I did not used to be afraid. I do not know exactly what happened. I have to live with myself. I somehow have to find my way back to sanity. I think honesty, unadulterated raw honesty is going to be key.

No more hiding. No more miss “nice girl”. Let the balance shift. I am over it.