Lazy Lies

I’ve spent a majority of my life believing I’m lazy, and yet I had a hard time resting today.

How does that make any sense?

See, I keep 3 of my grandchildren 4 days a week. My other 2 (soon to be 3) grandchildren were here over the weekend as well with my daughter. Sunday, we had a family dinner with 11 of us, where I cooked and then cleaned everything up. Plus when the grands are here, they rarely go to their mama or daddy for anything; they come to their Nonie. ūüôā

I’m not looking for sympathy; my life is my own. I just say all of that to make a point; I have been busy and feel like I’m on the verge of getting sick. #ColdandFluSeason My immune system is working overtime, and I need to slow down before it crashes.

No one was in my house today, and I needed to rest.

That has proven harder than I believe it should.

How can that be? I’m lazy, remember?

So here’s the thing, as I’ve been busy lately, I’ve been thinking about this belief I have that I am lazy. The evidence has started to point out that perhaps the belief is a lie.

I could tell you my father once told my brother and others I got laid off from a job because I was lazy. I could tell you my husband spent years implying I was lazy because I didn’t do things on his timeline. I could tell you about all the school moms who thought I was lazy because I was a stay-at-home mom. I won’t even though I kind of just did.

I got left with the understanding that it was simply fact; I am lazy.

BUThere’s the truth:

It does not matter what others believed or said about me. It matters what I believe about me.

Truths:

*I take care of people, grocery shop, cook food, and my house is relatively clean. That’s not the way of a lazy person.

*I like to play video games but rarely do because I’m afraid I’ll get lost playing all day/all week and not get anything done. That’s not a lazy person’s mentality.

*I repair, change, and rearrange things in my house regularly so it doesn’t get out of hand or boring. That’s not something a lazy person does.

*I had a hard time resting today. A lazy person does not have to make themselves rest.

But I did have to make myself, because I am in need of rest.

That is not laziness.

I will not feel guilty.

I do not have to make excuses about why it was necessary.

Tomorrow is a new day.

I will no longer believe an old lie.

#DoNotBelieveOldLies #LazyLies

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All Gone

All gone.

Those were the words¬†of finality that were expressed today at the loss of my daughter’s new pregnancy.

All gone

This would have been her and her husband’s third child. This would have been Babyman and Dr. Evil’s new sibling. This would have been my sixth grandbaby.

It won’t be though, because … well I don’t know why.

Miscarriage has been one of the things I feared the most when it comes to my girls having children. I have not personally faced the loss of a hoped for pregnancy. I was not sure how or if I’d be able to help or even know what to say. Yet when the time came, we just talked, we¬†cried, and we even laughed, because that is what we do.

The reality is that miscarriage is hard.¬†There aren’t good words for it. Sure we talked about how several decades back you would¬†not have even known you were pregnant yet. We talked about how¬†they could try again as soon as she wanted. The¬†trouble is that in the days leading up to the loss, we had talked about how the boys would handle it and what the sex would be and possible names. We got attached…just that quick.

There¬†are also the feelings. Joy, excitement, wonder, love, and anticipation, now followed by sadness, disappointment, questioning, despair, and helplessness. And those are just my feelings. My daughter’s feelings trump mine completely. She is handling the whole thing amazingly. For her, a little dark humor goes a long way, and today she allowed herself to really feel the feelings, ultimately breaking down and crying it out. After I got the picture, I did the same.

I am truly sorry for anyone who has suffered miscarriage, as well as for the loss of a child at any stage. As mothers these losses feel as if a piece of the soul is ripped away forever.

I’ll tell you a secret; as a believer in a good good Father¬†and Heaven, in addition to being a believer that life begins at conception, I¬†suspect¬†Heaven to be a place¬†in which these children eagerly await the arrival¬†of their parents. (I will not get into a philosophical or religious conversation about who does or does not get to go to heaven. This post is not about that.) I believe God feels every bit of grief a mother (and father and other family members)¬†feels at the loss of a child. He lost one, and¬†knows firsthand how¬†it felt. Honestly he feels it every time someone chooses to not accept his love, but that is also another post altogether.

If you’ve suffered loss, you aren’t alone. There are those who will grieve with you. Today when I told my daughter I broke down and cried, her response was “I am so glad I have you to grieve with me.”.

I  melted.

In that moment I knew I had done the best I could to help her go through this thing, this horrible, horrible thing. I will keep doing the best I can and she (and I, and her husband and the boys) will get through.

 

Rainbow Platitudes

Not every storm produces a rainbow. Not every rain shower yeilds flowers. 

Sometimes it just rains. 

Storms come. Floods happen. Rain falls. That’s life. 

Too often we settle for platitudes when we should acknowledge and accept that crap happened. We can learn and grow, or we can keep passing off Pinterest quotes and out of context Bible verses as actual help; ultimately going nowhere. 

I get it, really I do, sometimes you just want to hear happy, fluttery fluff. The reality is you need to hear the truth in order to move forward. 

The truth is a rainbow is a natural phenomenon that can be reproduced with a little water, light and the right angle. Flowers grow because of the natural cycle of spring warmth, sunshine and rain. 

God absolutely can and will use his creation to speak to you, but he’ll also tell you to get up, dry, yourself off, and keep going, simply by sending people like me to remind you of the truth…

Sometimes it just rains. 

Three Little Birds … In My Garage

Do you believe in signs? Do you believe God talks to us, sending little or maybe not so little messages?

I do.

I do because it has happened a lot in my lifetime.

Tonight I came home, opened my garage door, and pulled my van in just like normal. Tonight though, there was a bird flying around in the garage, bumping into the walls because the noise of the garage door and my engine were probably a tiny bit overwhelming. As I parked, I realized there was also a second bird, and by the time I got out, there was in fact a third bird which flew just inside the door of the van onto the floor.

Three little birds… in my garage.

I swooshed the one out of the van, and then spent the next 15 or 20 minutes trying to get all of them outside, gently with a broom,¬†because I did not want them to be trapped.¬†Once they were all safely outside, I closed the garage door and went into the house. I walked to the kitchen sink to wash my hands, and wondered what in the world were three little birds doing in my garage? That’s when¬†the obvious¬†hit me… three little birds!

They were there to tell me not to worry ’cause every little thing is gonna be alright.

I could not help but to chuckle at the somewhat absurdity of the whole thing. What a wonderful and comical God that cares so much to send three little birds to my garage with a message, and in a moment I really needed to be reminded that things are going to be alright.

Tonight I am sharing this with you, I’m sharing those three little birds, so you too will know not to worry ’cause every little thing is gonna be alright for you too!

 

Three Little Birds – by Bob Marley – 1977

Rise up this mornin’
Smiled with the risin’ sun
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin’ sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true
Saying’, (this is my message to you)
Singing’ don’t worry ’bout a thing
‘Cause every little thing gonna be alright
Singing’ don’t worry (don’t worry) ’bout a thing
‘Cause every little thing gonna be alright

Why Listen to Another?

You keep going to Facebook, Twitter, other medias. You look to the people to tell you who you are, to approve of who you are. You listen to the voices try to dictate and define you. You search for validation and reason for you, your life, your calling. You wait for a like, a view, an answer.

 

But there is only one who really knows. One Voice. One Approver. One Definer. One Validator.

The one who always listens.

This one, designed you. This one, formed you.

 

You are an individual, yet it is easier to compare with others, to compete with others, to listen their voices that scream so loudly.

 

How can they know you, when they barely know themselves?

How can they define you, when they don’t know the definition of you?

How can they approve of you, while they are searching for their own approval?

 

Who then is this one who knows?

 

*whispered… “I am.”

 

It’s as simple as that. God knows. Jesus approves. Holy Spirit listens. You were formed by the Creator in your mother’s womb. You were designed with validation in you. You were formed with a voice that defines you. You have all that you need in him.

 

Why listen to another?

 

The Problem with Rearview Mirrors

I heard a speaker* say 2 different things tonight that I cannot shake.

  1. You can only get so far looking at the problem.

    There is so much truth in this statement. Years ago I was playing Donkey Kong Country on Nintendo, and occasionally I would hit a snag that I simply could not figure out. I really wanted to complete the game, but I really wanted to throw it out the window. I got mad and just went to sleep. There in my dreams, the answer would appear to work itself out, a place where I wasn’t stressing out¬†while consciously looking at the problem. My mind looked¬†past¬†the hang up and¬†toward the solution.¬†I know this is a weird example, but seriously, how¬†often¬†do we finally, in frustration, just move onto something else only to have the solution “magically” appear¬†before us? No matter how big or small the problem, staring at/focusing on¬†it is doubtfully going to solve it.

  2. There is only so much information in the rearview mirror.

    This statement really got me because I am a visual thinker. I suddenly imagined driving a car while staring into the rearview mirror. It was terrifying. I saw myself ending up in all kinds of messes, the least of which involved smashing into the cars in front of me. We spend far too much time looking behind us, staring longingly or regrettably into the past. There is not enough information there to successfully drive us into the future. Yes there is some helpful information, when used as a tool to glance into while making the journey, but it is impossible to complete that journey if it is the only tool we use or even the one we use most. We must learn how to revere the past but move on from it, no matter how good or bad it was. The fact is “it was”, and¬†it is not anymore. Look forward¬†to the direction in which you hope to go, and that is where you will end up.

If you did not read the paragraphs, at least read the statements, and let them sink deep into you. Let them apply where they will. I guarantee they will speak deeply to you if you let them. If you did read my commentary, I thank you for spending your time with me. Either way, you are amazing just because you are you, and if everyone else forgets to remind you of that fact, I am here reminding you!

*The speaker is Rod Williams. I do not know if these are his original quotes, but he is the one I heard say them and deserves the credit as such.

Panties, Pockets, Small Talk, & Motivation

Do you have things in your life that annoy you or, at the very least, leave you filled with questions?

Of course you do!

I have a few that come to mind:

  1. Panties. Who¬†is the idiot that¬†designed the cotton liner in women’s panties? The thing is too dang small. Hello, I have a booty, and that causes the cotton liner to not reach as far forward as it should (I could be a lot more descriptive here, but if you don’t know then you probably do not need to unless you are said idiot. And¬†if you do know then I am preaching to the choir). I am not the only one. In fact I would venture to say that more women have this problem than do not; hence, the sale of pantyliners. It really is a bad design panty¬†people! Get your act together, make that little extra piece of cotton do its job by making it just a little longer in the front!!!
  2. Pockets. Ok so here is another idiotic design issue in women’s clothes. What is the point of a fake pocket? It is either a pocket or it is not. Give us real pockets. I am not going to stop buying purses if you put actual pockets in my pants.¬†And do not think you are fooling anyone with those¬†sad little half pockets that aren’t even deep enough for my fingers. WE want real pockets in the front so we can put our hands in them, or our phone, or whatever.
  3. Small/Repetitive Talk. Alright, here is the thing, I have people in my life who ask me the same questions every time I see them. I am not talking about “how are you doing? what have you been up to?” kinds of questions. I mean questions they honestly know the answers to but ask anyway because they have no idea what else to talk about with me. I have spent a lot of time in my life thinking something was wrong with me because¬†of this phenomenon, but I have other people that I see less/more who do not have any problem finding things of value to talk about with me. I am not the most interesting/talented/intelligent person in the world but I have a brain and stuff that rumbles around in it. I can hold a conversation about most things, simply because I love to learn about new things and enjoy discovering where people are coming from with their own thoughts, opinions, and ideas. I do not; however, enjoy small or repetitive talk.
  4. Motivation. I simply do not understand why I get motivated to do¬†a “thing”¬†at¬†midnight or on a day when I am committed to do something else. It does not matter what it is, motivation will strike only at the most inopportune time. It’s ridiculous. I am sure someone will tell me it is because I lack discipline, and they are probably right, to a degree. That still would not fully explain this conundrum. I have had this issue for as long as I can remember, and it has only gotten worse with age. At least now¬†while¬†browsing¬†the internet/Pinterest I¬†run across¬†memes that tell me I am not alone in my plight. Oh that someone could solve this annoying mystery.

There you have it, a peak inside my mind, a small window into the room of things that I question. By the way, it is a mighty big room.

#thisismeisthatyou

We Will Cross That Bridge When We Get To It

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Bridge Crossing by Nonie

 

Have you ever tried to cross a bridge before you¬†got to¬†it? Wait… don’t answer that so quickly.

Have you ever tried to live tomorrow today? Nope… don’t answer that either.

Have you ever tried to finish a project before you started it? Hey… I said to stop answering.

See I am asking because I would have to answer yes, if I am being honest, and I bet you would too. No? Really? You think these are silly notions. Okay well, congratulations and you can quit reading now. As for anyone curious enough to keep reading, here’s my point: stop trying to cross that bridge you have not even gotten to yet.

Bridges are meant to join two sections of land over an obstacle of some sort. If you are driving, it is physically impossible to cross a bridge before you get to it.¬†Let that sink in a little.¬†Even though we know it is ridiculous to¬†try to¬†drive across a bridge we¬†cannot see,¬†in our “thinking” lives we often try to cross that bridge, that thing (whatever it may be)¬†¬†before we are any where near it. Are you starting to¬†understand the analogy?

We let the premature crossing steal space in our minds. We spend excessive amounts of time worrying and asking: what is coming next, what does the future hold, what if this, what if that, how did we do it last time, how did someone else do it? We either obsess over planning, processing, questioning to the point of insanity (both ours and others around us) OR we get so overwhelmed by the vastness that we just shut down and do nothing (my tendency is the latter). Either way we forget to enjoy today, this hour, this moment, and before we know it time/life/people/health has slipped away from us. Gone. Poof. Bye.

Now the bridge is under us and what do we have? An ulcer? High blood pressure? Anxiety meds? No friends? A cluttered house? A mass of unfinished projects? An extra 30 pounds of fat? All because we tried to cross too early. Often the bridge is not even what we expected or feared. Sometimes we never even get to the bridge. Directions change. Roads diverge. We get rerouted. Thinking too far ahead will leave us confused and frustrated.

Yes plan, dream, hope, but first LIVE in the today. Be present. Be patient. Stop worrying about things too far away to really see. Stop driving yourself and others crazy. Today matters.

The bridge can wait until we get to it.

I will leave you with this thought:

“We so idolize and glamorize the past, and we have all these fantasies about the future, that it makes us despair in the present.” – Tony Seigh

 

 

What Happens When Freedom Sets You Adrift?

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Photo by Robert Crawford at Unsplash

Free

After years of being held emotionally captive, a recent event severed the ties that had me bound and I was set free. He made a choice to finally let me go. It was conscience and intentional. It was shocking.

We’d been estranged for years and years at my choice.¬†It was the only way I felt safe, the only way to keep my girls safe. But he never stopped playing¬†this game with me where he pretends to “fix”¬†the relationship¬†with apologies, admissions, promises, etc. only to break it again with lies,¬†omissions, excuses, and more lies, all the while blaming me.

The Event

I attended a family function that resulted in us having to be in the same room. I stood and waited for that dreaded inevitable moment, Continue reading